The Rules Suddenly Change
Before you became pregnant, how many strangers commented on your stomach?
How many felt entitled to touch it?
Probably very few.
Yet pregnancy seems to create a strange set of social rules.
Suddenly people are interested in the size of your bump, whether you’re carrying high or low, how far along you must be and whether you’re having a boy or a girl.
Some people don’t stop at comments. They reach out and touch your bump as though this is perfectly normal behaviour.
And can we all just acknowledge how strange that is?
Pregnancy seems to invite people into conversations they would never normally consider having.
People Forget There’s A Person Attached To The Bump
The thing that often strikes me is how quickly the focus shifts.
The bump becomes the thing people notice.
The pregnancy becomes the thing they talk about.
Meanwhile, there is a woman standing right there.
A woman who may have spent the night awake with heartburn. She may be struggling with pelvic pain every time she walks. She may be worried about an upcoming appointment, trying to manage a demanding job or simply feeling exhausted because growing a baby is hard work.
The person making the comment rarely knows any of that.
What sounds like a harmless observation can land very differently when you’re already carrying a lot physically and emotionally.
I’ve lost count of the number of women who have arrived at pregnancy yoga classes feeling upset because somebody has commented on the size of their bump.
“You’re huge.”
“Are you sure it’s not twins?”
“You must be due any day now.”
Often these comments aren’t intended to be hurtful.
That doesn’t mean they aren’t.
The Difference Between A Conversation And A Comment
I think part of the problem is that there is a huge difference between a conversation and a comment.
A conversation leaves room for the woman.
It starts with curiosity.
How are you feeling?
How are you finding pregnancy?
What has this been like for you?
A comment doesn’t need an answer.
It assumes.
It announces.
It tells.
The woman becomes a passive recipient of somebody else’s opinion rather than an active participant in the discussion.
Pregnancy can attract a lot of comments.
What most women need is more conversations.
The DLR Problem
One of the oddest contradictions is that people often seem fascinated by a pregnancy while overlooking the pregnant woman.
Clients regularly tell me about standing on the DLR after a long day at work because nobody offered them a seat.
The same week, another stranger has felt perfectly comfortable commenting on the size of their bump.
People notice the pregnancy.
They don’t always notice the person.
I find that fascinating.
A Small Request
If you’ve never been pregnant, or it’s been a long time since you were, there is one thing I would ask you to remember.
There is a person attached to the bump.
The comment that feels harmless to you may arrive on a difficult day.
The joke you have heard a hundred times may be the tenth comment she has heard that week about her body.
If you genuinely want to connect with a pregnant woman, start a conversation rather than making a comment.
Ask how she is.
Listen to the answer.
You may be surprised how much difference that makes.
Pregnancy and postnatal yoga classes in E14, Canary Wharf, Isle of Dogs and surrounding East London areas.
Shar – E14YogaCoach
