The Apology I Wasn’t Expecting
Not long ago, a mum messaged me to book a Baby Massage class.
Before she’d even booked, she apologised.
Her baby was a few weeks old and she hadn’t really been out of the house yet. She felt she should have done more by now.
A few days later, another mum apologised because she hadn’t made it to Mum & Toddler Yoga until her child was nearly one.
Neither woman had done anything wrong, yet both felt the need to explain themselves.
It got me thinking about how often new mums seem to feel as though they’re behind.
Not behind in an obvious way. Just behind where they thought they would be by now. Behind where they imagined motherhood would feel easier. Behind where they think everybody else is.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that nobody seems entirely sure what they’re actually trying to catch up with.
The Invisible List
There seems to be an invisible list of things women think they should have worked out by now.
Before your baby arrives, the list is full of pregnancy and birth. Then your baby is born and the list changes almost overnight.
Suddenly you’re wondering whether you’re feeding your baby correctly. Whether you should understand what all the different cries mean by now. Whether you’re getting enough sleep. Whether your baby is getting enough sleep. Whether you should have found a routine. Whether you should be leaving the house more often, seeing people more often or feeling more confident than you do.
The strange thing is that just as one concern starts to settle, another often appears in its place.
The Goalposts Keep Moving
Just when one worry starts to feel manageable, something else seems to take its place.
You spend weeks wondering whether feeding is going well and then suddenly you’re worrying about sleep. You finally feel as though you’re getting out of the house more often and then start questioning whether you’re doing enough. The thing that has occupied your mind for a month fades into the background and something new arrives to take its place.
It’s hard to feel caught up when the target keeps moving.
What We See In Other People
When my eldest son was born, one of my neighbours had her baby a few weeks before me.
From the outside, she looked as though she had taken to motherhood effortlessly.
She had a straightforward birth, was home quickly and seemed to be out and about almost immediately. I remember seeing her walking to Canary Wharf just a couple of days after having her baby. She always looked put together. Makeup on. Earrings in. Completely comfortable in her new role as a mum.
I remember looking at her and thinking she had worked it all out.
We’ve remained friends ever since and, years later, I mentioned how much I had looked up to her at the time.
She laughed and told me she had cried every day for the first three months because she found motherhood so hard.
I wish I’d known that then.
Not because I wanted her to struggle, but because it would have reminded me that I wasn’t the only one finding things difficult.
At the time, all I could see was the version of motherhood she showed the world. I had no idea what was happening behind closed doors.
I think that happens more often than we realise.
We tend to notice the things other people appear to have worked out before we have. The things we haven’t achieved yet can start to look much bigger than the things we already have.
The trouble is that we only ever see part of somebody else’s life. We don’t see the worries that keep them awake at night, the things they second-guess, the difficult conversations or the moments where they wonder if they’re getting any of it right.
Behind Who?
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that if you put ten new mums in a room together, every one of them would probably think she’s behind on something different.
One woman is worrying about feeding. Somebody else is wondering why she still doesn’t feel like herself. Another feels guilty because she hasn’t made it to a baby class yet. Someone else is convinced everybody has worked out motherhood apart from her.
The details are different, but the feeling is remarkably similar.
Which makes me wonder whether the problem isn’t that women are behind at all.
Perhaps the problem is that we’re measuring ourselves against a constantly changing set of expectations that nobody has clearly defined.
There Isn’t A Finish Line
I don’t think this is helped by the way motherhood is often talked about.
There can be an unspoken feeling that by a certain point you should feel more settled, more organised, more confident and more recovered. As though there is a version of motherhood that everybody else has already reached and you’re still trying to catch up.
The reality is far less tidy than that.
Every baby is different. Every birth is different. Every recovery is different. Every family has different levels of support.
Some women have grandparents living nearby and practical help whenever they need it. Others are building their support network from scratch. Some find certain stages relatively straightforward and struggle with others.
There isn’t one version of motherhood that everyone is aiming for.
There are thousands of different experiences happening at the same time.
A Different Question
I think new mums are often much harder on themselves than they would ever be on anybody else.
If a friend told you she was struggling, would you think less of her?
If she hadn’t made it to a baby class yet, would you judge her?
If she admitted she felt overwhelmed, would you decide she was failing?
Most of us would answer no.
Yet many women speak to themselves in ways they would never speak to another mother.
So if you’ve been feeling behind lately, it might be worth asking yourself a different question.
Behind who?
Because when you look around a room full of new mums, what you usually find is not a group of women who have worked everything out.
You find a group of women learning as they go, adapting to constant change and trying to do the best they can with the information, support, energy and sleep they have available at that moment.
That feels very different from being behind.
Pregnancy and postnatal yoga classes in E14, Canary Wharf, Isle of Dogs and surrounding East London areas.
Shar – E14YogaCoach
